Pure, Unadulterated Shame
by Pumpernickle
Summary: Dean wants to see Castiel's true form, and he does, but why is there so much RED
1. Chapter 1

**Heya guys. This is just some sad idea I had in my head for some reason.**

**I hate disclaimer, coz I obviously own nothing.**

CHAPTER 1

**Just so you know, Dean and Cas have no relationship here previously what so ever.**

Castiel doesn't know why Dean asks this of him. They were just sitting there, in the motel room, unlike any other time, when Dean said it.

He asked to see his true form.

He knew his face instantly fell, it was something he couldn't control, he couldn't control an emotion this high. Why had Dean asked this of him? The hunter had explained it, and Castiel was trying to hold himself together, trying not to rip at the seams. Dean said that it was fair, that Castiel had seen him at his weakest, and his best, that Castiel knew Dean, and Dean thought that it should be the same for him. But no, Castiel didn't want to, and whilst Dean had been baffling on about his explanation, Castiel had sat next to the bed, on the floor, shaking his head up at an oblivious Dean. He didn't want Dean to see him like this, not anyone. He didn't want anyone to see him before he was fixed.

But, he couldnt stop it. Yes, he wanted to, but his body was already responding, Dean wanted something, and his body wanted to supply. Castiel felt fear.

He started by whispering, a quite little 'no', but that plea became louder and louder, until he was just saying it over and over again, strung together with pleases and bargaining, anything to stop this. But, after a while, he realised, Dean couldn't understand him, not now. He was showing through, and it had already begun, his words coming out in Enochian. He grabbed Deans knee which was near his face, grabbing his attention further while violently shaking his head. After a while, it became tiring, and his shaking was slow. Why had he ever told Dean of his abilities, it seemed like a bad choice now. Tears began to pool in his eyes, and if Castiel ever wanted something, it was for this not to happen. His voice changed suddenly, screaming out in his true form, he didn't have much time left. Then Dean reversed it, he said he didn't want to see him anymore, after seeing his distress, but it really was too late, there was no stopping it now.

Behind him, he heard the door burst open and Sam come storming into the room. Of course, he would have such abilities, hell had effected him thus. But he didn't want him here. Den was bad enough, in fact, Dean was probably worst, he was supposed to be strong for Dean, to fight for him, to save him, not to be saved, not to be a burden. Sam being here just added to the pile of crap.

He lifted his hands to his face, the first bits of his grace slipping through in tears. They pooled in his hands, and the light illuminated his face, and he knew it was coming. He braced himself for the unshielded pain, all of it, and he felt his facade crumble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Heya guys. This is just some sad idea I had in my head for some reason.**

**I hate disclaimer, coz I obviously own nothing.**

CHAPTER 2

I didn't mean to cause so much hurt, so much pain, but in less than a minute Castiels pleas had turned into his true voice, and I wanted to take it back, so much. Cas asked of so precious little, how I could deny him this was beyond me, but, quickly after taking it back, I realised it was too late. Cas had tears pouring down his face, and it was something I thought I would never see, so much pain on the stoic face. It didn't belong there.

Before I knew it, Sam was bursting through the door, and before I could tell him to back off, it happened. Since my eyes were fixed on Cas already, I noticed the small change. Cracks began to form in his skin, before they pulled apart slightly, light streaming through the cracks, before some of the small pieces slotted inside, like a puzzle crumbling in, and the small patch was replaced with pure beauty. Why Cas would want to hide this is beyond me, until his vessel completely collapses. He is covered in red, so much red, and no matter what species you are, red is not a good colour.

I quickly take in his form, less than a second, the thoughts flying through my mind. He still has the same wispy black hair, but it is matted to his forehead in places by the red. His wings are curled tight against his back, I never meant to bring them out. Gabriel once told me how precious they were to Angels, how private, like, take being completely naked with your soul stripped bare for everyone to see times one thousand type of private. His wings really were pulled in tight, and black and cobalt blue, but yet again, covered in red. I quickly looked over his body, he wore nothing but black shorts, the rest of him covered in red. Red, red, red, _red_. So much, it was unbearable. Why was he like this? He moved his hands away from his face for a moment, to use those brilliantly blue eyes to look at me. I shot up off the bed and walked to Sam, shoving him out the door, I dont care where he goes, he should not have seen that.

As I close the door, I hear it. Castiels quiet voice, pleading.

"Dean?" It whispers, calling out of hope, "Dean, Dean, dean, dean, dean" And he keeps on babbling, "Im sorry, sorry, please Dean, please, _please_, Dean, im sorry, so, so sorry, Dean, dean, dean." Im not sure if he even knows that im here still, but I cant bring myself to move just yet. All I can do is focus on Cas, him and his form. I can see where it is supposed to shine, I can see the beauty, but it is covered by _so much red_. I can tell, he is scared, and I dont know why, and I dont know what to do. His true form is here in front of me, covered in red, and he is crying on the floor and I wont do anything. My brain screams for understanding, searching for a word to put to this figure. Then it hits me. _Broken_. Castiel is broken, and no-one has taken enough time to even realise, let alone care. I feel tears pooling in my own eyes, how could I have allowed this. With this one word comes so much understanding, but it doesn't bring the relief I wished for, it brings shame. Shame that I havent seen what has been happening to this angel. The angel is leaning onto the bed with his head in his arms on the blanket, his unsheilded wings facing the world. Castiel is ashamed, I can see this now. He is ashamed of what he is, of what he looks like, ashamed of the wounds. He is scared also, scared that I will leave him, scared of abandonment. I can see him now, I can see past the stoic face, it is just a face, like my own, a disguise, and he has been hiding all of this pain for me. He truly has nothing, he has truly lost everything, and he thinks that now, I will leave him too.

I will not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Heya guys. This is just some sad idea I had in my head for some reason.**

**I hate disclaimer, coz I obviously own nothing.**

CHAPTER 3

"Dean," His only thought, the only thing he can mutter as he lays here, stripped bare for everyone to see, calling out to someone who, for all he knows, has run away out of shame and disgust. He cries apologies into the air, he is so sorry that this has happened. He wishes more than anything or it to go away, to be rid of this form, to be rid of himself. He has no-one left now, not even Dean who he gave up everything for, but really, he cant blame him. Who would want something as useless and frail and destroyed and _used, assaulted and frail_ as he is. Something that was tortured by his own people, as well as others. No-one wants him, he was lucky that his own kind even used him, thats all he's good for, being used, thats what everyones always told him his entire life, and now it seemed he'd passed his use by date, the only good he can do now is to die. He resigns to himself that all is lost, that is all he has. He resigns himself to death.

**Sorry for the short chapter, but, oh well**


	4. Chapter 4

**Heya guys. This is just some sad idea I had in my head for some reason.**

**I hate disclaimer, coz I obviously own nothing.**

CHAPTER 4

I am ashamed, Castiel is sitting there in the middle of my floor, crying, and all I can fee is shame and disgust. At myself. What have I done. I have created this, and havent even tried to help him. That change now.

I quickly run back to the bed and sit beside Castiel, and I want to touch him, to soothe him, but I dont know if he wants me too.

"Cas, " I began, "Cas, im here"

"Why?" He cries, "Why would you stay?" I dont know how to answer

"Why wouldn't i?"

"Im useless" he chokes out

"What?" I say completely shocked, anger seeping into my voice

"Im sorry" He says quickly, and I flinch, I caused that too

"Dont be sorry, your not useless, how could you say that"

"Because, its what I am, ive always been useless," he cries and rants on. I listen, "I cant be used for anything, im a sacrifice, im made to be killed, to be used, thats my purpose. No, its not. I dont even have a purpose."

"What are you talking about? Of course you have purpose, and is not to be cannon fodder"  
"No, I dont Dean. How can you even stand to look at me? Im disgusting. Everyone has a purpose, everyone in Heaven has a purpose, Angel of Light, Angel of Death, do you know what I am? Nothing. I dont have a title, I am the only angel in existence that doesn't have a title, I am the only Angel that is nothing. The only thing I know is being used."

"You cant believe that!" Tears are pouring down my face, why, what has happened to Castiel to make him like this, "How can you even think that?"

"Because, its what ive always been told, im nothing, not to anyone, im sorry"

"Stop saying your sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for"

"Im sorry, you can leave, I understand, im not needed im too weak. I have resigned myself to death, you can live on again, you and Sam, you can be happy, like you were before me, before I ruined another life"

"Cas, you didn't ruin my life, you brought me back, you pulled me out of Hell!" I am trying my hardest to save him enough to stop his suicide mission, to stop him long enough to talk sense into him, "Do not kill yourself"

"If that is what you wish, you can kill me yourself" What? He thinks that I actually want to kill him. Oh God, what has happened to him. He hasn't even looked up at me yet.

"No, okay, no taking my orders, and no dying, and no torture," I add on before he can think that I would do that to him, "Im gonna keep you alive dammit, I am going to fix you"

"Why, so it will be better when I break again" He hasn't moved yet, and he is babbling on about this shit!

"Cas! I would never do that to you!"

"Thats what Michael said.." He trails off sobbing harder

"Cas, look at me"

"Why? Why would you want to look at something so disgusting?"

"You are not disgusting, you are beautiful, now look at me dammit"

"You wont even touch me, why should I believe your not like everyone else, how can I tell, that when I look up I wont see the same sadistic grin that my brothers and sisters have worn, when they finally have me believing I can trust them and then they break me down again, I dont have many pieces left Dean, and if you cant even touch me, how am I supposed to believe that you will fix me?" I didn't realise he wanted the contact, I thought he would have hated it, I didn't realise how broken he was either. I reach forward and carefully put my hand onto his arm. "See?" he asks, "You cant even touch me properly. Im disgusting, pathetic, I would rather die than have you break me again, I would rather be in Lucifers hands." I grip his arm tightly, and while its exactly what he wanted, I can tell he is scared, scared that I will harm him, and he shies away. I move my other hand to the side of his face and use it to pull his head and eyes upwards. He refuses to look at me.

"Look at me Cas, your not pathetic, or disgusting, dont say shit like that" His eyes pull up towards mine, and I can see the flare of hope, but mostly, it is shrouded and drowned by darker emotions. He looks away quickly, as if the quick glance was enough of a reason for me to strike out at him. What had he lived through.

"Please, Dean, im sorry, and I cant take anymore, please dont hurt me"

"Castiel, I promise you, on my life, on the life of everyone else, on SAMS life, that I will. Not. Harm. You"

"If thats true, why do I feel so alone, why do I always feel alone If you care so much, why dont you show it?"

"Cas?" I prompt, my tone hard and stern, I can see how this effects Cas, how Cas thinks that maybe he went too far, and his head is bowed again. "Cas? Can I touch your wings?" I ask this of him because I need his trust, but I know it will be hard to earn, hell, maybe I already had, before I had asked to see him like this. He nods and sobs louder, but spreads his wing wide and reaches them forward, and as soon as they brush my skin, its good enough. I reach forward and plonk myself onto the floor in front of him. I can see and feel the fear in him, and I hold him close, wrapping my arms around him to create a cacoon, though not too tight, I dont want to press on his wounds. I can tell he is reluctant to believe in me, he has been let down too many times I can tell, but he wants hope, he wants faith.

"I know its not much Cas, but you can always have faith in me, you can always trust me, I trust you with my life, and I want you to have faith like you did when I first met you"

"Dean," he whispers quietly, wrapping his arms around me, "I have never had faith." And this breaks my heart, because he is an angel, and he should have faith although, I cant blame him, if my father let my brothers and sisters torture me, I would find myself with a distinct lack of faith too.

I hear knocking on the door, and Castiel tenses.

"Please Dean, no more" he cries, burying hi face into my neck, squirming into further, trying to hide himself inside me, and I know what that means, it means everything, but right now, no more people, he doesn't want anyone to see him like this, and i'll be damned if anyone else does. Sams muffled voice floats through the door, and while im aware that this will scare Castiel, I cant help the low growl that escapes through my mouth.

"Fuck of Sam." I call out, and there is venom in my voice, and I can feel his doubt as his arms begin to retreat. "Cas, its ok"

"Nothings ever been ok, Dean" He calls back and his arms wrap around me again. This is an improvement.

"Cas, im gunna get up and get us a wash cloth to clean you up, alright?" and I can tell he is reluctant to let me go, like I might run away. I realise, I really am all he has left. His arms only tighten around me. "Alright then, stand with me, were gonna go into the bathroom, alright?"

"Why?" He asks, and maybe he has a point, getting further away from others probably isnt the safest idea for him, although, it seems like he thinks no-one will save him anyway.

"Im gonna sit you down and wash all this off you, we'll get you warm and clean alright?" I stop myself from saying 'ok' for him.

"Alright" he says and tries to stand. I have to catch him because, as I notice to my horror, his ankle is sawn through to the bone most of the way around. I dont want to know about the rest of the wounds, I wonder how I will fix him up.


End file.
